merry christmas

and a happy new year, etc. may your tits shrink and mine grow

this's specially drawn for my pepets. i know..sweet right
hehe

i like that.

id like to believe that.

id like to LIVE by that.

faith

it's better to frankly think bout what the sense of life might be. that's perhaps the only way we'll learn, experience and anticipate predicaments in order to get hold of a full-fledged mentality. otherwise we'll just be inclined to handle life in a diametrical way- that's when we have the propensity to fuck everyone up for no apparent reason resulting shit, bullshit, the form of lunatics, stupid idiots, etc

but when it came to religious conviction...i just cant figure. apparently i have two people leading me diverse paths, with vast discrepancies in the ideology of religion- dad's an atheist, the mother believes in Islam. either way ive always found it confusing. i do question myself whether or not god exists as much as i dont consider that relevant. it's more or less an irrefutable query and it's frustrating enough to know that my level of curiosity towards this matter's capable of marring my faith in god cause frankly i do like the idea of Islam

father once quoted,

"how could God, so impeccable create such flaw?
and if God was that great, why he needed prophets and angels to rally round and spread his ideologies?"

that's at most of what i could share.

so i prayed, read books, the book, reminded myself that everything i did was for God, all that i could conjure up for an indication or with hope that i might stumble upon some answers to all that i qualm, but unfortunately god would rather be completely oblivious towards my attempts, referring to his incontrovertible traits- i ended up doubting even more

blah.
i already have enough problems trying to comprehend humans- imagine if i were to, well, try to understand god

for all i know i accept as true, i deem in whatever i please, that everything happens for a reason- every cause has an effect as our actions have results. we're all responsible for our past and present volitional or obstinate actions, things we opt to do or say or think set karma into motion. past actions manipulate the present, present actions persuade the future- pretty much

so ive been going through everything in my mind, literally. what is it that ive done so bad to not even deserve a slight taste of happiness?

once a cynic, now the critic

i am aware that people come and go- separated by the waters shitty attitude death or whatever. either way i never liked the idea

losing anyone who matters is one thing, to bluntly go through life being aware of their absence is another. time does mend everything..it's just whether or not you want to let it go

ciggarettes are the best companion, really
makes you feel good everytime
and all you'll ever need is
cash
.
.

i wish it was easier when it came to friendship though. something like back when we were in pre school and all we had to say was "i dont wanna be friends with you" or "i dont like you" and just not talk for a couple of days. high school's pretty much altercations over altercations, arguments over arguments, til it didnt make sense at all

to me if you would rather lie to avoid wrangles than to consider bout how i might feel, squander your time digging up for my flaws and blunders that has cropped up as a point in our arguement, just to prove that you're right and you're somewhat better than me and overlook all the pessimism thrown at you, you just don't care

at the end of the day i know how much ive tried to be there for you and deal with your bullshits. and if you have any sense at all you'll know how much of that you've given in return

eventually both parties gain nothing. in corollary of the outlook, contrary to expectations- circumstance imputations did point out that ive always had the upper hand

it's pretty flagrant

id just take it as youre just being human, as much as id like to believe there is good in everyone but maybe God eluded some and leaving them malfunctioning of a conscience


blah. whatev
i could only wish that i played my cards differently. but then again no point sulking and defending what i think is right when others would just be casting doubts which at the most are never reasonable

it's funny how people can be that heartless

i feel that my sensitivity, anger, aggravation, put together has been giving me the propensity to contradict a subject that bugs me (even for the slightest bit)
which is shit annoying, really

sometimes i get so pissed off i shiver
literally

now i seem to care too much bout everything
and now i wish i couldn't give a shit at all

i am aware of my inherent antagonism of certain issues. usually the heart tells me to do the right thing when the brain comprehends the entire state of affairs whether or not i should

like defending myself from any form of allegation

speaking up for family, friends, victims of unfortunate events, etc
speaking up for my race

cause it depends on who im dealing with really, referring to the number of idiots in this world

anyway check this out
few of the most famous optical illusions-



yeah
shit annoying

off colour

thank god for the weekend off. i seriously need it to psychologically rebuild after a frantic week. gia and lucre finally came over for a swim after god knows how many times of cancellation. it's been awhile since we had those days- singing like fuckin melancholic harpies to tlc's. munching on seriously good pretz and home baked cookies by mrs evans

soon i'll be having weeks and months of free time before leaving for london which im not looking forward to one bit. yes i do have an alternative it's the decision and the circumstances ahead of me that's just so bullshit. i dont know how you people do it. or maybe i’ve just been repudiating the entire subject too much that it turned into an inclination. now i dont want to leave at all


anyway i find our education system's dead bullshit. like what the hell passing or getting an A+ for islamic education shows that you're a good muslim? and history? those subjects should be fucking elective

apparently students are just cracking up their biscuit heads just to get a piece of paper printed with capital A1s lining up like bloody ants which is frankly, the only ticket to success in malaysia when you dont actually comprehend what the heck you've been learning

this adds up to why london

no im not carping cause im stupid
i just care too much that it's sick

oh my god spare me the agony
im throwing the middle finger to this shit

anyway im on the verge of quitting smoking, drinking and some other paraphernalia and the father is not being sympathetic. ive been sucking up marlboro ultra lights and it seems that ive been smoking like a chimney T____T

seventeen

thanks Z

& AR for the lovely song

& lucre, gia, tengku, eddy, cala, eain, dear seniors, mates and whoever was involved planning the party and turning me into a birthday shitcake

& to everyone who wished me through texts, phone calls, social websites which includes myspace and facebook, IM, whatever shit you name it
it means alot to me and i'm sure i've expressed my gratitude to you personally

p/s: i seriously didnt see 2 surprise parties planned up for me
why are you guys so sweet T____________T

hypocrisy

is the act of preaching a certain belief or way of life but not in fact holding these same virtues oneself.

it's like telling another individual about a friend's flaws and chipping in little white lies to make it appear a tad more interesting

it's like feeling rueful regarding a gaffe you have made or a mishap that has cropped up that somehow involved you but then use it against that person without them being aware of it

it's like saying money wasn’t the focal subject and that it's the time it’s gonna take to unravel the blunders and next you maneuver the state of affairs- putting money as the major concern.

it's like offering someone a hand and in the long run, carp about the tribulations you had to overcome when you should've overlooked the circumstances ahead of you

hypocrisy isn't about someone being ineptly intrepid about your trait and attempt to let you know about it. frankly it means that person in fact gives a shit

it's not about not valuing amity. how the heck would you even know

this ISN'T a random statement
and yes i am wry like that
so note this down you idiot
and grow up

the price of success

is loneliness

when you want something, you will accomplish that particular desired or intended objective which will lead you to happiness

when you want something but you have failed, don't overlook the fact that this is life. don't attempt to chew on words and decorate the word failure- you're just repudiating veracity

one who carps concerning life basically doesn't know what one wants. that is when one will never succeed

i am chinese

and my name's elvyra lucia lau. but for some personal reason i generally go by a malay name

anyway life's back on track and i'm where i wanna be. not entirely but getting there

i guess the waiting made my state less exciting as i thought it would be. but i still haven't accomplished the one thing i've been wanting to solve for quite awhile now. i'm just waiting for the right time but when is ever the right time no?

well..the moon's really pretty tonight
just the sun's missing whenever it's up

i guess that's why

how you ever wondered what goes through their minds where they can simply carry out such natural acts in our face- basically shit on our bed and how at the end of the day they are the ones getting some sleep?

why? no not cause we're culpable
cause they put us through shit that keeps us contemplating on who the heck is liable in that particular indictment or matter, and such state they put us through- such provocation and antipathy, such woe emotionally, such timidity towards everyone and everything

FYI if you insist yourself as being little miss goody pants and the subject as the asshole then your actions has merely opposed. why? cause you essentially have to prove that you're right cause you're wrong and you want others to be off the same mind so that they wouldn't point their fingers at you and say YOU are the bitch

how classic

it's sad that when we're all busy living life, you spend yours by talking about it

relationshits

i hate the fact that we constantly have to respond to something we know won't be at our advantage. something that will mar our empathy and that it takes us to lose something to appreciate it, to pine for something we can't get, than to want something the way it is

sometimes i wonder why do we even start and let people in
when we ultimately have to let them go

relationships from my point of view, personally are like games concerning redundant mind-sets that you have to play and attempt to keep it the way it is without having the feelings wane, without having them leave or take advantage of you

it's all about how you play it
and how well you play it

sorry just caught in the mo
:)