faith

it's better to frankly think bout what the sense of life might be. that's perhaps the only way we'll learn, experience and anticipate predicaments in order to get hold of a full-fledged mentality. otherwise we'll just be inclined to handle life in a diametrical way- that's when we have the propensity to fuck everyone up for no apparent reason resulting shit, bullshit, the form of lunatics, stupid idiots, etc

but when it came to religious conviction...i just cant figure. apparently i have two people leading me diverse paths, with vast discrepancies in the ideology of religion- dad's an atheist, the mother believes in Islam. either way ive always found it confusing. i do question myself whether or not god exists as much as i dont consider that relevant. it's more or less an irrefutable query and it's frustrating enough to know that my level of curiosity towards this matter's capable of marring my faith in god cause frankly i do like the idea of Islam

father once quoted,

"how could God, so impeccable create such flaw?
and if God was that great, why he needed prophets and angels to rally round and spread his ideologies?"

that's at most of what i could share.

so i prayed, read books, the book, reminded myself that everything i did was for God, all that i could conjure up for an indication or with hope that i might stumble upon some answers to all that i qualm, but unfortunately god would rather be completely oblivious towards my attempts, referring to his incontrovertible traits- i ended up doubting even more

blah.
i already have enough problems trying to comprehend humans- imagine if i were to, well, try to understand god

for all i know i accept as true, i deem in whatever i please, that everything happens for a reason- every cause has an effect as our actions have results. we're all responsible for our past and present volitional or obstinate actions, things we opt to do or say or think set karma into motion. past actions manipulate the present, present actions persuade the future- pretty much

so ive been going through everything in my mind, literally. what is it that ive done so bad to not even deserve a slight taste of happiness?