once a cynic, now the critic

i am aware that people come and go- separated by the waters shitty attitude death or whatever. either way i never liked the idea

losing anyone who matters is one thing, to bluntly go through life being aware of their absence is another. time does mend everything..it's just whether or not you want to let it go

ciggarettes are the best companion, really
makes you feel good everytime
and all you'll ever need is
cash
.
.

i wish it was easier when it came to friendship though. something like back when we were in pre school and all we had to say was "i dont wanna be friends with you" or "i dont like you" and just not talk for a couple of days. high school's pretty much altercations over altercations, arguments over arguments, til it didnt make sense at all

to me if you would rather lie to avoid wrangles than to consider bout how i might feel, squander your time digging up for my flaws and blunders that has cropped up as a point in our arguement, just to prove that you're right and you're somewhat better than me and overlook all the pessimism thrown at you, you just don't care

at the end of the day i know how much ive tried to be there for you and deal with your bullshits. and if you have any sense at all you'll know how much of that you've given in return

eventually both parties gain nothing. in corollary of the outlook, contrary to expectations- circumstance imputations did point out that ive always had the upper hand

it's pretty flagrant

id just take it as youre just being human, as much as id like to believe there is good in everyone but maybe God eluded some and leaving them malfunctioning of a conscience


blah. whatev
i could only wish that i played my cards differently. but then again no point sulking and defending what i think is right when others would just be casting doubts which at the most are never reasonable

it's funny how people can be that heartless

i feel that my sensitivity, anger, aggravation, put together has been giving me the propensity to contradict a subject that bugs me (even for the slightest bit)
which is shit annoying, really

sometimes i get so pissed off i shiver
literally

now i seem to care too much bout everything
and now i wish i couldn't give a shit at all

i am aware of my inherent antagonism of certain issues. usually the heart tells me to do the right thing when the brain comprehends the entire state of affairs whether or not i should

like defending myself from any form of allegation

speaking up for family, friends, victims of unfortunate events, etc
speaking up for my race

cause it depends on who im dealing with really, referring to the number of idiots in this world

anyway check this out
few of the most famous optical illusions-



yeah
shit annoying

off colour

thank god for the weekend off. i seriously need it to psychologically rebuild after a frantic week. gia and lucre finally came over for a swim after god knows how many times of cancellation. it's been awhile since we had those days- singing like fuckin melancholic harpies to tlc's. munching on seriously good pretz and home baked cookies by mrs evans

soon i'll be having weeks and months of free time before leaving for london which im not looking forward to one bit. yes i do have an alternative it's the decision and the circumstances ahead of me that's just so bullshit. i dont know how you people do it. or maybe i’ve just been repudiating the entire subject too much that it turned into an inclination. now i dont want to leave at all


anyway i find our education system's dead bullshit. like what the hell passing or getting an A+ for islamic education shows that you're a good muslim? and history? those subjects should be fucking elective

apparently students are just cracking up their biscuit heads just to get a piece of paper printed with capital A1s lining up like bloody ants which is frankly, the only ticket to success in malaysia when you dont actually comprehend what the heck you've been learning

this adds up to why london

no im not carping cause im stupid
i just care too much that it's sick

oh my god spare me the agony
im throwing the middle finger to this shit

anyway im on the verge of quitting smoking, drinking and some other paraphernalia and the father is not being sympathetic. ive been sucking up marlboro ultra lights and it seems that ive been smoking like a chimney T____T